Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize