Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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