If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
