A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
