Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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