The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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