Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Randomize
