I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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