Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
