She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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