i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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