Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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