and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
