well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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