that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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