More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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