it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Is it penis luge time yet?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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