just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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