Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I need a burrito and a hug.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
