Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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