I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
