fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
