I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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