I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
