why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
