Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
