I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
40s are totally the cure
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
