i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize