That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
