I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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