Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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