saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
