who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
