It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
