I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
