my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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