I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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