What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize