Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
