i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
