he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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