There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
