i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
