dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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