I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
