the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Randomize
