I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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