so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
