I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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