I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
