Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
