He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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