I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
