Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
